Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
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To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Hit me in the face with a bird
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.