Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
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“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.