Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
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Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion