Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
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every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Only Americans understand
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit