I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
You Might Also Like
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult