ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
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Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it