If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
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Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.