Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
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I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint