as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
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Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I love art.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.