Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
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I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
October already? What’s next? November????
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]