Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
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Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen