How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
You Might Also Like
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Somebody’s lying.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?