Why is everyone getting married at me
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A lot of folks out there missing the point…
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.