[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
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First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
The human personality is made of five key elements
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Oh no
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man