Day 4: They suspect nothing.
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wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline