I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
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Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.