WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
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I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.