After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
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[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis