ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
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I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
this is the best day of my life
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?