If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
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Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Why am I like this?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
#catsoftwitter