The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
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snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th