As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
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Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.