The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
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Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Dietest Coke
haha same
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!