Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
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This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Fight
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I think we should hear other voices.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery