I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
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Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel