I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
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*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
absolute chaos
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.