I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
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Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*