[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
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OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell