[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
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*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.