picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
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found this cool rock hiking today
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
new shirt idea
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.