*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
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Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
crazy
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.