There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
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*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*