There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
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wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
not for long
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
when nothing goes right… go left
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?