Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
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[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Haha good job!!
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1