waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
You Might Also Like
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
The old gods are rising again.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*