FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
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When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”