I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
It’s a gift
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton