Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
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[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once