My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
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Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
In case you needed to hear it:
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday