Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
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It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.