I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
You Might Also Like
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*