cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
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[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
who wore it better?
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.