Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
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Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?