You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
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dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
This made me smile…
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out