More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
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lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”