I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk