So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
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I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
that de-escalated quickly
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.