“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
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drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.