I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
You Might Also Like
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Not even remotely sorry.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.