#Caturday
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Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
is nasa ok
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?